Birthday

Today (May 14, 2017) is Mother’s Day, and it’s my Birthday. I am 41. I am grateful to be alive and incredibly thankful for the gifts God has given me. I have so many wonderful friends, an amazing Mom, a niece that I love dearly, a big sister who taught me a lot about life, and countless cousins that I love. I also have the most caring, tenderhearted, kind, giving, handsome, honorable, God fearing husband. My heart is full. My life is full. I am overwhelmed. 

This day is bittersweet. I love Mother’s Day. I love celebrating the woman who gave birth to me, and raised me and my sister all on her own. She sacrificed her life for mine in so many ways. She was the first person to show me Christ. I love her beyond measure and she loves me even more. 

What makes today bitter is that I am not a mother, and I will never be. Ever since I was a child I thought I would be a mom. When I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up Mom was always on the list. I adore children and babies. They like me too. I always believed that I was made to be a Mother. I will never have that joy though and it is hard. 

I’m sharing this, not because I’m sad and want sympathy. I’m sharing, because I am not alone. There are so many people who struggle with infertility. People don’t talk about it though, because obviously who wants to talk about something so personal and difficult? Not to mention some people don’t want to even think about infertility. 

Here is the thing that I want others to understand. This is a list of things people have said to me:

“There is always adoption.” 

“I would carry your child for you.”

“You can have one of my eggs.”

“Just think about all the things you won’t have to worry about, since you won’t have to worry about a child.”

“Are you sure there is nothing that can be done?”

All of these things are said by very well meaning people who love me. So, in no way am I mad. Don’t get me wrong. I just want to clear up why these statements sting. 

“There is always adoption.”  I have many friends and some family members who are like me. They are unable to get pregnant,  or carry a child for different reasons. Most of them have adopted. This is a beautiful thing and those adopted children are just as much their child as a biological child would be. In fact, I forget their children are adopted, because they love them so fiercely.  I know that I have that same capacity. I still want to carry a child. I want to experience that kind of bond with another human being. I want to be able to talk about pregnancy with my friends who have experienced child birth. There is something so amazing about what the female body can do.  

“I would carry your child for you,” or “You can have one of my eggs.”

Thank you! I know that you want me to experience this just as much as I do. A lot of my friends have said, you would make such a wonderful Mother! I want you to be a Mom! I know that these are offers made out of TRUE LOVE and I have probably said these same things to others in the past. It is so kind and generous. I know that these same people understand that I long to carry my own fertilized egg. 

“Are you sure there is nothing that can be done?” 

I have had tests done and I know my odds. I also know my body. I’m not giving up in defeat, but I cannot hold on to the smallest ray of hope and sacrifice all other joy for another that may never happen. I don’t think that would be healthy. I also don’t think that is why people ask this question. I get it, you are in denial too. I was there. I’m still there on occasion. I want to hope. I just have to learn to put my hope elsewhere. It sucks and I know that this is said out of pure love and desire for me to be a Mother and have my hopes and dreams realized. I love these people who go through the emotions with me. Thank you. 

“Just think about all the things you won’t have to worry about, since you won’t have to worry about a child.”

Right? This is so true. My husband and  can do things at the drop of a hat. We don’t have to make a plan all the time. It is amazing. What a blessing that we have our health and each other. We don’t have to worry about taking our kids here and there. I know that my friends with children, as wonderful as that season is, miss these times. 

It’s hard to want something that will never be. I have been in this place before. I watched all my close friends meet men and get married years before I did. I have attended many bridal and baby showers in all my years as an adult. I have sat at weddings both happy for the bride and groom, and sad for my loneliness and desire to be married. That season passed as much as I doubted it ever would. I am so grateful and I am sure that I learned a lot of ways to deal with the hurt, disappointment, and difficulties of not having your dreams come true while I waited all those years. I can see that God has really prepared me for this heartbreak. I am thankful. It doesn’t make it easy, but it does help a lot. God is good and his ways are good. Even when they are difficult and feel awful at the time. I have learned to truly count my blessings and I am truly blessed. 

If you have walked through all of this with me, thank you so much. I am so grateful for you. Now enjoy these old pictures. :)

Me at the beach.

Mom, me and Tena.

Me and my stethoscope

Tena is having an asthma attack here. I can tell by how she is sitting. 

My Mom and me when I was seven. 

XO,

T