April 13, 2018







Today is the day that I could have been a mom. It was my projected due date. I’ve watched so many become parents for the second, third, fourth time since then. It’s a hard day. It’s hard to share these thoughts, but I feel compelled to. This is what I put in my journal MONTHS ago. 

If I’m not meant to be a mother, what am I meant for?
That is the big question I have right now. Maybe I will find an answer. Only God knows.
It’s the ONE thing I ever thought I’d be good at. Being a Mom. Now what, God? 
What am I to be?

I haven’t blogged about this, or really even talked about it that much. I don’t know that I even have the words still. 
Back in May my birthday fell on Mother’s Day, which was tough. I had found out that my odds of having a baby were 1%. I wrote these words in my journal right after I found out about my fertility odds. I blogged about it here: http://citywifeinacountrylife.blogspot.com/2017/05/birthday.html


I can’t describe how much I want to be a mother, but most of all to carry a child. I always thought it would be my purpose in life and I was just waiting for that to happen. So that I could live out my purpose. Suddenly I was never going to experience that gift. 

In July I miraculously got pregnant. 
I couldn’t believe it had happened. I still can’t believe it. I found out very early, and then seven weeks in our little baby miscarried. 

We heard a heart beat and then it was gone. All I wanted was to hang onto that little life inside of me. I wanted to protect him, or her from any and all harm. 
I felt like a failure. I think this is one of the biggest things women feel when they deal with infertility, or a miscarriage. Somehow I wasn’t strong enough, or woman enough to hang onto that child. These are lies, of course. It has nothing to do with how strong, or able I am. 


It’s difficult to put into words what it feels like to lose a life that you never really met. I can only imagine what women who get to meet their baby and then lose them go through. 

It was hard before to see children and know that I would never have one of my own. It is now harder knowing that I almost had that. 

Christmas was hard, because I didn’t have Ingo, and because it’s supposed to be a magical time. Children make Christmas magical. I remember how it was when Madi was little, and I’m so grateful that I have those experiences and memories.  Now I will never get to live those experiences with my own child, or grand child. I will never be a grand mother. That is a jagged pill. I am still working through this, but I know that I am not alone. So MANY women go through this, and many never give birth, many never become mothers. There are so many emotions that I am going through still, and so many things I need to work through regarding motherhood. It helps to know that I’m not alone in this. I also know that I am meant for other things than motherhood. I’m not sure what they are, but I know that God will bring them. All in all, today is a tough day.

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