Fear





Never did I imagine that this would be my life at the age of thirty-nine. I thought that I'd be married with children by now. How did this happen? Why is this my reality? Where is my dream life?  

When I was a child I always knew I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I know that I will be a good wife and mother. Yet, I am still single. Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Anyone who has ever suffered a longing that takes a long time to come, or never come understands this verse. Have you ever wanted something so badly that it burned within you? I know you have. It could have been something simple like a longing to do something specific: to travel somewhere, to have a better job, or to buy a certain car. It may be the longing to carry, or adopt a child. You could be like me and long for marriage and a family. 

This desire burns within me so strongly that it can consume me. Sometimes I am so fearful that it will never be fulfilled. I have cried out to God begging Him to take this desire away. He still has not. He has given me wisdom and He has given me reprieve when I needed it. He has not fulfilled this burning desire within me. 

If you are walking through this same heartache, God is using this. He is refining us and He is with us. I want to warn you of something Satan loves to use when you are waiting on God to move and that is fear. Fear can be  overwhelming. I am so terrified that my prayers will never be answered. I have had the opportunity to choose a life with someone that didn't seem right for me. It was a chance at life with a wonderful and godly man. I could easily walk through life with him and have a husband who cherishes me. I did not feel like this was the right relationship for me though. After my decision not to pursue this I felt FEAR like I've never felt before. I was bombarded with questions and I bombarded God with those questions. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I never meet the right man?  We cannot make decisions based on fear. We have to move forward and wait for God's best. Some things may look great at first, but we must trust God when He tells us no.  

Actively Waiting. I know. Waiting sounds so passive, but it's not. Every decision we make effects our waiting time. The waiting can be a nightmare, depending on the choices we make. I have seen many people settle for not quite good enough, or second best out of fear. Fear is not of God and we must remind ourselves of this truth. 

 In Beth Moore's devotional, "Believing God, Day by Day." She talks about how we always calculate the risk for everything. 
 “Which of you, wanting to build a tower, 
doesn’t first sit down and calculate the cost 
to see if he has enough to complete it? 
Luke 14:28” 
 Excerpt From: Moore, Beth. “Believing God Day by Day.” B and H Publishing Group,, 2009-11-06. iBooks. 
This material may be protected by copyright. 

When we make the choice to follow God we calculate the risk. What are the risks? I sit here writing this and my risk is not being a mother and not having a husband. To me that is a HUGE risk. I could walk away from God's good and perfect will for my life right now and just find a husband. It wouldn't be that difficult to find someone, but would it be right for me? No. Deep in my heart God has planted not only the desire to be married, but a specific desire and a specific hope for only me. Yours is different. We may both be single and longing, but what we long for is different and specific. I want to remind you that when you gave your life to Christ He birthed in you desires and longings that HE longs for you to have. He does not forget this and He will not forget. He will not hand you a stone. He will give you the bread of life that you need in order to survive this wait. Matthew 7-11 says,  “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. “Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? “Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! 

To actively wait we must constantly ask and seek God. If we ask we will receive and if we seek we will find. Trust Him and only Him. I encourage you to stay planted in His word and in prayer. Hang in there. One day soon your hope that has been deferred will be fulfilled and a tree of life will emerge from that pain and suffering you once new. It may be different than you thought it would be and it may be bitter sweet, but it will be sweet. I'm praying for that day to come soon for me and I pray it comes soon for you. 
XO,
T
          







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