New Perspective

It has taken me over a month to get the nerve to write and post this blog, because it is so revealing and personal. I know that someone needs to read this though, so I am baring my soul here. Please be kind.

Growing up I was a normal sized child. I was active, but not athletic. I was the same size as all my friends until…puberty. Then my life became shrouded in self consciousness. We all know puberty is a big deal. The problem was I started going though it in the fifth grade. From then on I thought I was fat and was even told that I was fat.
I was curvier than my friends and many of the other girls in school. I could never wear anything I wanted. People saw this as a license to say terrible things to me.

In the fourth grade I was riding my skateboard in front of our apartment and fell on the sidewalk. My sister’s friend starting singing, “I feel the earth move under my feet.” I was mortified and went in the house. In Jr. High I hated P.E. I hated dressing out in front of all the other girls. I hated that I wasn’t naturally athletic. I hated having to wear those super short shorts. One day I went to sit in my spot after dressing out for P. E. And this boy said, “Did we just have an earthquake.” I was so embarrassed. I wanted to cry, but held it in.

Even my cousins told me I was fat. They may have been smaller than me. I don't remember, because I didn't notice what other people looked like. I was too busy dealing with the criticism I got about my own body. I internalized all of this. I continued to feel more badly about myself and my body.

When I was in the 8th grade the mother of one of my friends looked at my pants and said, “What size are those?” She picked them up and examined them saying, “Those would be too big for me.”  When an adult makes a statement you really believe it to be true. At that point I had already done a slim fast diet in which I lost about ten pounds and felt great that I'd succeeded. I was obsessed with wanting to look like Alyssa Milano, or Drew Barrymore. I wanted their bodies. I would wear baggy clothes and once I reached High School I stopped wearing shorts, or God forbid a bathing suit. I thought people were constantly looking at me thinking how huge I was. This made life hard. I would avoid different situations like pool parties and other fun things even though I loved to swim.

In High School I never had a boyfriend and I thought it was because I was fat. I dieted then too. I remember eating pretzels and carrots, or some other vegetable for lunch every day. I hated lunch too, because it meant I had to eat in front of people and I just knew they were thinking about how I shouldn't be eating whatever I was eating. I still struggle with these thoughts. I still think people are examining what I eat and what I look like.

Recently a friend from High School posted a picture of me and a few of my closest friends on Facebook.
Here is the picture. I am the second from the left.

I know what you're thinking. Probably what I thought when I saw this picture.
I was shocked. I was looking at this picture and remembering how BAD I felt about myself and my body at that time. I finally saw myself for the first time. I realized after 20 years how wrong those thoughts were and how I had been deceived. I was believing a LIE.  I realized that I had spent almost my entire childhood feeling this way, when in fact I wasn't fat at all!

All those people who said all those mean things were just jerks! Maybe they had their own issues to work out? Maybe they hated themselves so they lashed out at others. Whatever the reason, it effected my whole life. I wish we would think about the things we say to people. That person you are making fun of will probably carry those words you say into adulthood. Stop and think. Think about why you would even say those words? Do they really serve a purpose? What if someone said those things to you? What if they said them to someone you love?

To those who have been, or are going through the same struggle I did, don’t believe the lie. I know it’s hard to see the reality sometimes. It’s hard not to believe something that you have heard countless times, but the enemy is clever. He knows exactly what will cause pain and he will punch you there over and over again, especially when you are down. I want you to remember this, Psalm 139 says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God made you exactly how He intended and everything He makes is beautiful. This is my wording. Here's the real verse:

Psalm 139:13-14
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.” NIV


Make a choice to have a new perspective. Try looking at yourself the way God does. Tell yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, because you are. Take this as a challenge. Find just ONE thing that you can love about yourself and focus on that. Thank God for that one thing. Start there and stop listening to the lies. Join me as I too take on this challenge. I recommend reading all of Psalm 139, because it goes on to say more things that you need to know about how God feels about you. I know it's hard, but God does not make mistakes. Dear friend, you are Fearfully and Wonderfully made. 💜
XO,
T